Welcome to e[lust]- The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #47? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
This isn’t reallya review, since I’m not getting paid or getting any free stuff, but I thought it might be interesting to talk about my new toys!
I don’t remember how or when I first realised the erotic potential of my ass, but I have enjoyed playing with it nearly as long as I’ve been masturbating. Growing up I stimulated myself with my fingers or with sharpies, produce, the occasional coke bottle; items that I could shamefully dispose of after using.
I’ve wanted an actual anal toy for a long time now, but I wasn’t about to keep one in the house when I lived with my parents, or with the bros I lived with last year.
I went with Tantus, because I’ve always heard really good things, and because one of their customer service reps did a great AMA on reddit not too long ago. They’ve got some terrific deals on their closeout page, so I ended up getting two toys. The Tantus Spiral, and the Pro-touch vibe. Since Tavi restricts my orgasms I’ve only really tested out the Spiral so far.
It’s 3.5″ long and has a maximum diameter of 1.5″ which probably makes it the girthiest thing I’ve ever put inside myself. It came with a large-ish one touch bullet vibe that can be crammed into the base. It’s a big step up in terms of enjoyability than anything I’ve used before, but it’s not perfect by any means.
It’s probably a bit large for most beginners, on the other hand enthusiasm, determination, and lubrication can get you a long ways. It takes a little effort but I can get this toy fully inserted. However, the neck at the base is a little shorter than I need to be able to wear it easily. The rings are pretty closely spaced as well, so I have to sit carefully or use a free hand to hold it in. That’s a bummer since part of the appeal of a butt plug was to be able to fit it in, and then do other things.
The bullet vibe it came with was pretty awesome, but the batteries it shipped with have already died (And I promise I haven’t used them that much.) The vibration was pretty awesome for someone who’s never had a vibrating toy before, but it wasn’t super strong, and the placement of the bullet left most of the sensation near the base of the toy instead of the deep penetrating prostate rattling feelings I was hoping for.
The hole in the base means I could put just about any thin vibrator in there, so it’s going to be a versatile toy and I’m happy with my purchase overall. (Since at discount pricing and with an additional discount for signing up for their newsletter I got all this for under $30!)
I’ll be testing out the pro-touch vibe later this week. Hopefully the batteries on that one will hold out long enough for me to get a good sense of it’s capabilities.
I’m way behind on posting about this, but I’ve been exhausted this week and couldn’t quite bring myself to put it together. It’s exciting news, but the story is a bit anti-climactic. If you follow me on twitter you already know, I’ve been wearing Tavi’s collar for almost a week now.
For a while I’ve had a play collar, and it’s been a rule that I’m supposed to wear it whenever I’m in Tavi’s presence (So long as it’s appropriate.) So we’ve been playing at having me collared for a while.
On Valentine’s day we decided to get me a day collar, but it took a while to decide on what we both liked. Then Tavi decided that she wanted to make it herself. So she learned how to do chainmail did just that.
It’s a very handsome persian weave chain that sits very comfortably on my skin. She picked up the lock at kinkfest along with her other new toys, and she has the keys.
There wasn’t any ceremony to her collaring me, we talked a bit about what this means to the two of us. While it is a bit of an escalation of the relationship, it is really a symbol for the relationship we already have.
Between here and reddit, I’ve been asked a few times for advice on how to go about looking for a kinky relationship. I do my best to help, but I don’t have all the answers. I’m in my first one ever and I lucked into that one by virtue of being so handsome and charming (and modest.)
I got a message the other day from some chap looking for that sort of advice, and in it he listed some of his kinks (to me, like that matters) and took the time to say “anything except scat knife play and piss” [sic.]
I’m going to put this out there for everyone. No one is assuming you are into scat.
You do like human-chili-dogging though, right? That’s kinda a deal breaker.
When you are looking for a partner, you can leave the laundry list of kinks you are and aren’t into until the two of you are actually discussing play. And your hard limits (especially if the only hard limits you have given any thought to are the nearly-universally squicky ones) are not a first introduction topic.
Imagine for a moment how insane it would be to show up to a blind date, introduce yourself, talk a little about your job, and then go: “…just so you know, I’m not interested in having you shit on my chest.”
I’m not sure where the perception that edge-play and “extreme” fetishes are commonplace among BDSMers comes from, but it’s a pretty safe bet that no one is going to break out the knives and drop trou on you before you’ve even exchanged pleasantries.
If that was a real concern we’d all walk around with business cards inscribed with our preferred fetishes, lest the cutie at the bar assumes that small-talk is a sure sign that you want to be double fisted the moment you turn your back.
There is a bit of a void in my life right now when it comes to male companionship. After living last year with three very bro-y dudes (Four if you count their buddy who stayed over all the time) I usually don’t really feel much need to seek out any male bonding.
This is on my mind because on Sunday, I checked one of my major sexual fantasies off the list for the first time, and I should be able to brag about it and get high-fives, right? On the other-hand the milestone I’m so excited about wouldn’t likely get me high-fives from any of the bros I know.
Violence, Strong adult themes, and colorful language.
I spent a long, lazy, and lovely day at Tavi’s feet on Sunday. In the evening she asked if I wanted a beating and I quickly assented. It has been a couple of weeks at least since we’ve done any significant play and I watched nervously as She arranged her implements. I also got rather excited when she strapped on her cock.
If I haven’t described her cock yet, it’s because we’ve only played around with it a little, we had a cool scene planned for a few weeks ago, but that got rainchecked.
It’s a very nice cock, and I’m astounded by how BIG six inches is, maybe some of that has to do with strapping it to her smaller body, but the thing looks huge.
And it feels huge. It’s a stretch to get my mouth around it, and it doesn’t take much at all to hit the back of my throat. The first time we wanted to do some facefucking I’d just had sushi for dinner, so we didn’t push our luck.
Sunday however, I had a pretty empty stomach by the time we started playing so there was no getting off easy.
We ran through her toys, playing around lightly since it’s been so long. I could feel my pain tolerance was way down. Mostly when she beats me I muffle myself with a pillow, which works pretty well. Shoving my mouth full of silicone works pretty well too.
I was on my knees between her legs while Tavi used her claws and and crop on me for a bit, eventually she put away the toys and decided to to get down to the business of fucking my face.
It’s strange for me that one of the sexual high-points in my life doesn’t come with any bragging rights. Looking up at her as she worked her cock into my mouth. Her grip tightening on my hair as she pressed on past my gag reflex and into my throat for the first time. The frantic feeling that I might puke if she held it there for even a second longer. Her holding it there for several more seconds…
When she pulled out of my my throat the first time, I just gasped and looked up with watery eyes and managed to say “Cool.” Apparently that was adorable, because she laughed her ass off for over a minute before giving it to me a few more times. It was hot, and the cuddling afterwards was sweet.
Sunday constitutes one of the hottest, possibly kinkiest things I’ve ever done, and yet I doubt I’m ever going to get a high five for deep throating my girlfriends strap-on. Does that seem fair?
Then again, I don’t need High-fives as long as I get to do it again. (and again.)
There are a lot of posts, guides, lists, and how-tos floating around online telling submissive men how to find themselves a dominant woman. And there are lots of guides available on how to go about dominating a submissive man. But I’ve noticed a distinct lack of guidance and advice specifically for dominant identified women looking for a submissive male partner.
At the same time, I’ve noticed that there are plenty of women who identify as dominant (or tops, or switches-looking-to-dominate) who are having difficulty finding an awesome submissive male partner. Since I’d love for everyone who wants to have a F/m relationship be able to find one, I decided to put this guide together. I gathered input from several dominant identified women and a few dozen submissive identified men on what is hard about finding a submissive guy, and where the submissive guys are and how to best connect with them.
I trust I don’t have to do a bunch of patronising hand-holding talk about how we’re all just people and you just need to get out there and meet everybody until you find someone who “clicks.” Although that is a point several of my respondents made. Submissive men are just men who respond well to dominance and you might find us anywhere, if you know how to look.
It’s sometimes just matter of reading between the lines
Finding a Submissive Man
If you want to meet a vanilla-submissive man, (or a sub guy who shares your interests) then whenever you go out you could try flavoring your flirting with a little D/s. It may take practice and it might not always go over well, but guys who don’t appreciate the woman that they’re flirting with tugging on the reins a little probably aren’t interested in handing them over in a relationship or in the bedroom.
If you want a man who identifies as submissive, or a play partner, or someone who is kink compatible to play with you’re of course going to have better luck looking in places that are focused on that aspect of things. Most of the guys who responded had fetlife accounts. I noticed that guys who are looking for casual play tend to be more likely to attend munches and BDSM events.
The guys who seem to be more reserved about submitting outside of a dating-type relationship were more likely to mention their OKCupid accounts, which with strong filtering and careful observation may be the best place to find a kink-compatible partner online. (Although it ‘s been pointed out to me that OKCupid is public and indexed by google, so anyone can stumble upon what you put there.) Others mentioned Collarme, and Craigslist, though no one was singing the praises of either. The point is “we’re out there.”
Unfortunately Male subs found online don’t come with free shipping
Meeting and Connecting with a Submissive Man
Most of the guys who responded said that they would react favorably to polite contact from a domme, both online and off. However the rarity of this occurrence was also mentioned. I had one guy mention that:
“most of the single dommes I’m friends with never really take an active role in seeking out a sub they like, even when I refer them to really cute & likeable friends of mine; they just put up a wall of expectations and then a lot of waiting…”
My advice, based on what would work on me, and how a couple of the guys mentioned they met their SO’s is Initiate contact.
From the talk online, it seems that once a woman declares that she is dominant she can expect to have her inbox crammed full of propositions constantly from that moment on. Also, those propositions are terrible. It’s seems like most guys figure out that submission turns them on sexually first, and many never really get past that point.
If you’re online, just delete spammy/wankery/thoughtless messages. Don’t give them any more energy than that, no feedback positive or negative. Spend your time looking for guys who spark your interest and message them instead. Positive contact that shows interest in him as a person is enough to send a lot of submissive guys over the moon.
Out at events and munches, the same tactics can be employed. This is how Tavi snagged me by the way: at a geeky-game themed munch she was setting up a game I enjoy, she invited me to play and offered me a seat next to her. We talked, I noticed some frisson and was hoping to see her again. I may have waited til the next munch, but she messaged me the next day and asked if I’d be interested in hanging out or playing sometime. She told me I was cute. I was hooked. It was that simple.
Some D/s flirting is encouraged, but make sure that you take the time to show some interest in a guy as a person first, gauge they’re interested before trying to push any buttons. I wish I didn’t have to mention that, but several respondents mentioned their experiences with dommes who started a conversation by talking down to them. I trust everyone reading this should know better, but is seems to happen often enough that it needs to be said: Don’t expect submission from someone you don’t have a relationship with.
Attracting a Submissive Man
When it comes to attracting submissive men, confidence is important. It takes confidence to lead, and guys looking for someone to lead them, either through a scene or through a long-term relationship, will notice that first. It may be the case that you can fake it til you make it, but being able to display confidence makes a strong first impression.
Like this (the menagerie is optional)
Many guys mentioned intelligence when asked what makes them want to meet with a domme, and I agree. Not only is intelligence sexy as hell, but before I’m going to let someone tell me what to do I want to know that their decision making skills are up to snuff.
Kindness, politeness and affection were also often mentioned. Everyone wants to be cared for, and submissive men are no exception. It is especially important to know that if you’re going to make yourself vulnerable to someone that she’s not going to break you, or that at the very least, she’ll put you back together afterwards.
Addressing the Hard Parts
When it comes to the things that are difficult about finding a submissive man, I don’t have easy answers. The first thing Ferns had to say to me on the subject was this:
To me, it’s not even really about ‘finding a male-sub partner’, it’s ‘finding a partner who I can love and adore, and who is submissive’.
That’s a major difficulty that everyone looking for a long-term relationship with kink compatibility is going to have to deal with. Even people who are looking for something as low key as a regular play partner or just someone to scene with for the evening, are likely to have more in mind than someone who only ticks the boxes for preferred gender and role.
Finding a partner is hard, and the more qualifiers you add the harder it is. When you plot out everything you want in a partner, or even just the things you need it may seem unrealistic to hope than anyone could possibly match the description. But there are some seven billion people on the planet and each one of them is growing and changing every day.
There aren’t enough male subs in the scene, or they’re too shy.
The scene can be pretty toxic to male submissives (well a lot of people really, but the point I’m making is about male submissives.) Understand for a moment that for a man to identify as sexually submissive means disengaging from “the man box,” it means that a lot of the cultural lessons he learned about how to “be a man” and how to interact with women no longer fit quite right. It means that the things men are taught to take pride in and gain confidence from may be unappealing.
This is going to lead to self-consciousness, and while not all submissives are introverts, the scene and it’s disapproval (or perceived disapproval) and shaming of male-subs can be enough to make even the extroverted among us think twice about showing up.
If you want submissive men in your scene, they need to feel welcome. That might mean organising a Femdom munch, that might mean inviting them out personally. If you’re active online and you see a promising submissive man in your area, invite him to an event. Even if you don’t click, he might be right for the domme next to you.
Even after I knew I was kinky, I didn’t go to any events until a dominant woman invited me to. Even after that, I didn’t keep going while I was sharing a house with guys who I knew would shame me for being submissive. And I’m still not active in my local scene because the cost of being in that environment isn’t worth it while I have a partner.
When the submissive (or possible-submissive) you do see in your scene is too shy, one of you needs to break the ice. You may be able to do that with clear and unambiguous body language, but chances are you’re going to have to buck up and initiate contact yourself. It may take guys a while to learn that Submission is not passive, in the meantime you can expedite things by taking them in hand (figuratively until you’ve got their consent of course.)
after that, you won’t even have to buy a leash.
I am not saying that D-types need to initiate everything, I’m saying that waiting for the cute submissive boy in the corner to work up the guts to come talk to you is a waste of both your time. (However, if you are the cute submissive boy in the corner, waiting for the smoldering domme by the bar to come talk to you is a waste of both your time.)
Submissive Men don’t know how to Behave
I don’t know what it is exactly, but I hear reports that a lot of guys identifying as submissive who do make it to the scene are not the courteous and accommodating gentlemen they should be. I’ve mentioned that I think all the spammers and wankers online should just be ignored, or reported to mods as need be, but it’s harder to do that in person.
It’s probably the influence of porn, I guess. I don’t know how you could get all the way from realizing that femdommy smut gets you off to going to a real life meet-up with out realizing that you’re going to be meeting with fully-actualized human beings. But I haven’t any other explanation from some of the behavior I’ve heard about.
Words to live by.
The only thing to do is try to educate, simply and using small words. I suppose what needs to happen is they need to think about female dominance in a way that doesn’t send all the blood rushing from their brains.
It is my sincere hope that this post will prove helpful to someone reading this. Finding someone you can have a relationship with and making it work is one of the more difficult parts of life. It’s frustrating when you realize that so much of the relationship paradigms you grew up with aren’t going to work for you and you have to sort everything out on your own.
I’ve done my best to put this together so that readers have a roadmap to work with (even if it is scrawled haphazardly on a cocktail napkin.) If you have any questions, or ever want to pick the brain of a submissive identified man you can comment here or email me: CaptnPeroxide@gmail.com
I want to thank everyone who answered my queries, emailed me their experiences and helped me edit this, and I should point out that of any short comings this post has is my fault not theirs. Best of luck to everyone trying to make their BDSM love story come true.
Earlier this week, Tavi asked me if I could be her ride Friday night. She had a thing for work, and there would be drinking, and she’d appreciate a ride home. Of course I readily agreed, The opportunity to see her, serve her, even for a small task like this is always delightful. I did have to work saturday morning, but seeing her was worth missing out on some sleep.
She told me it probably wouldn’t be too late, and, the best part is that she said I could have an extra orgasm for my trouble, two if she ended up staying out later than eleven.
Now, this next bit may be TMI… Sometime after nine I got a little bored. I poked around online for a bit and eventually found some decent erotica and was enjoying that while I waited for the text to come pick up Tavi. Since writing this post I have been focusing a bit on changing up my masturbatory habits, and last night I discovered something.
I wasn’t trying to get off, since I hadn’t yet picked up Tavi, and wasn’t certain that I had officially ”earned” my extra orgasms. But I got to sort of a pleasant place where it all feels good and stopped stroking, and just… um, squeezed my scrotum in such a way that my tescicals were pulled away from my body, and just held on tightly like that.
That made my dick really hard, all swollen and veiny. Before long, without additional physical stimulation (besides the squeezing) I started to climax. Which freaked me right out because I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to do so just yet. So I tried to stop it by squeezing off my urethra, but just ended up having one of the more intense orgasms in recent memory.
Like this, but with less municipal damage.
I then texted Tavi, telling her what happened and trying to clarify whether I should be thanking her for an orgasm as usual, or apologizing profusely for cumming without permission. Fortunately she felt it was the former, so I wasn’t in trouble.
But yay! I figured out something new about my pleasure system!
Anyway. After that, Tavi ended up staying out till one, when I went and picked her up.
I was so tired, but it was worth it. I’m going to get my ass kicked for this, but Ma’am is adorable when she’s drunk and excited. She gets all happy and bouncy and fluffy, and I totally forget about how much she can hurt me or that she doesn’t like being told that she’s adorable.
It was a fun little drive back to her place, I just enjoyed the closeness. And we talked about some play we want to do when we’ve got the time.
I went home and it was almost two am. I had to open at work at Five thirty this morning. I still used my second extra orgasm before going to bed.
I was miserable at work, but then again, it’s never all that enjoyable. So it was totally worth it.
It’s surprising, but people will still buy coffee from someone who looks like this.
In which I solicit your input and then inflict unsolicited advice in return!
I’ve got this idea that I’m working on to write out a bit of a guide to finding a male-sub partner, but I’m still collecting information, and trying to put together something that is more helpful than Submissive in Seattle presents: Peroxide’s guide to attracting Peroxide and also isn’t just a patronizing list of what dominant women must be doing wrong if they haven’t yet acquired the slaveboy of their dreams.
Their first mistake being, not investing in a Net-gun and star map to Ryan Gosling’s house
I could totally use some help with this, I’ve put out the call on Reddit, Twitter and Tumblr for input from other Male submissives on where they can be found, and how they can be attracted, And I want to hear from dominant women too, especially regarding what they have found most difficult in finding a submissive partner.
So if you’re reading this and have any experience or input on this project I’d love to hear from you!
In the meantime, Even though there are dozens of postsonhowtofindadomme, I wanted to write out one of my own to make sure that a couple of things are out there.
I’ve had some ideas for a post of unsolicited advice on finding oneself a dominant part for sometime, but I wanted to actually be doing some D/s before I claimed I had all the answers, or really any answers. What I want to stress is that totally awesome submissive men are a much hotter commodity than you’ve been lead to believe. (But that doesn’t negate your responsibility to be totally awesome)
For the most part everything I would like to say here, has probably been said elsewhere (Like those links two paragraphs ago) so don’t just take my advice, go forth and read up, if you’re newly kinky/submissive take the time to read lots and lots of good, intelligent, non-fantasy writing on the subject of Kink/BDSM/dominance and submission before you go chasing after a relationship dynamic that you don’t yet fully understand.
A D/s relationship is just that, a relationship and a dominant partner is just a partner. If you can’t manage a relationship or if you don’t know how to attract a vanilla partner then you are going to have a hell of a time finding a kinky partner and establishing a more complicated relationship.
Step one: Get relationship. Step two: Wrestle for Dominance. Step three: Lose!
David Wong published an article in December which I think is an excellent kick in the pants for anyone struggling to figure out why life hasn’t just handed them their ideal relationship on a silver platter. The gist is that people, everyone, cares about what you can give them, what needs of theirs you can fill. that’s true for jobs, that’s true for relationships.
If the only thing you bring to the table in a D/s relationship is that you are willing to submit, you’re not going to stand out. There are tons of willing submissives out there, So before you go on some kink forum complaining about how hard it is to find a dominant partner make sure that you’re worth dominating.
How can you make yourself worth dominating? I think a good place to start is to find out what dominants actually want. Not porn dominants, not fake/fictional dominants, but real people that identify as dominant.
The other really big thing that I don’t see discussed a lot in regards to the seeking kinkster, is introspection.
You really need to take some time to figure out what makes yourself tick so that you can give honest, thoughtful and useful information to potential partners about what interested in pursuing. You want to make sure that you aren’t wasting someone’s time (including your own) talking up fantasies that you have no intention of seeing through. And you don’t want to present yourself as looking for something you are not actually interested in.
Sure, You might get lucky and fall into a relationship that suits you well, but you’re going to be much better prepared to build a relationship if you know what actually drives you and what you really are looking for. Submission isn’t just a sexy walk in the park, If you’re sure you want it, it’s going to be a lot of work.
Welcome to e[lust]- The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #46? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
I had a date with Tavi on Saturday, probably the last real date night we’re going to have for a few weeks as she’s cramming for the Gmat right now.
We had plans for doing some new play, with a toy she brought back from kinkfest, and I was pretty excited about it. Enough that, I was already starting to think about how I’d blog about it the next day. I’m not going to tell you exactly what we had planned, cause we’ll almost certainly get to it eventually.
Ok, I’ll give you a little hint
But we didn’t get to do it on Saturday. Right as I buzzed into her apartment Tavi broke her pinky toe on the wall. So she wasn’t really feeling up to anything strenuous just then.
So we loafed about and watched a movie instead. Me on the floor between her legs, her sprawled on the couched with an ice pack on her toe. It was nice and sweet, and not nearly as titillating blog material as what we had planned.
