Since one of the big things I am looking for in a romantic partner is shared religious beliefs, I anticipate that I am going to have to either introduce the concept of BDSM to this hypothetical future partner or perhaps seriously change her perception of BDSM. I think it’s why I find myself very concerned with how BDSM is perceived by the mainstream.
I haven’t spent much time on OKCupid recently because getting a job is a bit more urgent than getting a date. But I received a message recently from a young woman that gave me the opportunity to practice my pitch for kink. Basically she noticed the apparent contradiction of being Old fashioned and Kinky, and asked me about it.
I’m posting the relevant parts of our exchange. Hers in Italic, mine in Bold.
I first noticed your religion is “Christianity and laughing about it.” I tend to interpret that someone saying they were raised in a Christian home and they call themselves Christian, but they really don’t have a clue as to what it really means. However, that doesn’t seem accurate with you at all. You seem to know and own up to your convictions.
So this indicates that she must have read my responses to questions about religion and sex, because that’s the only place I really talk about my beliefs with any depth.
My other observation is that you’ve mentioned yes, you’re a virgin. Yet you’re super kinky sexually. How do you pull that off?
So, That was exciting that she noticed, which means she must check the personality matrix like I do, and found it interesting. She’s out of the area for a while and I’m not terribly invested, so honesty is really easy for me. First I answered her question about my faith, which boils down to me feeling that serious =/= somber, and that it seems laughably implausible that I should find a nice Christian gal that wants the same things I do.
Which brings us to, How do I pull of being super kinky and a virgin? Part of it is just that I’m very honest about what I want, which I think a lot of people have trouble with, I answered questions truthfully, and added explanations if I needed to no matter how embarrassing the they were, which means I test as being far more kinky than average.
The other part is that I am pretty kinky, I guess. How do I know this whilst still being a virgin? I’m very introspective to begin with, so I know what I want even if I haven’t done it. I also know that what turns me on, what drives me sexually has to do with pleasing my partner, and being desired by her (as hypothetical as she may be at the moment.) So many questions were something along the lines of “If she wants to do this will you be into it?” And my answer is almost always “Yes! Hell Yes! If she wants something she gets it.” (Which exceptions for non-monogamy and a few other hard limits.)
I wasn’t perfectly upfront about wanting BDSM to be a part of my relationships, I used language that I feel should inform a similarly kinky person, but not freak out someone vanilla. Our conversation continued and she responded:
Now I digress to our kinkyness conversation. (heh, that sounds so weird!) You must be incredibly sure of yourself knowing what you want before you try it out yourself. There’s a possibility you’re romanticizing what you’d find pleasurable. Or maybe the girl of your dreams would find only nude cuddling the hottest thing ever instead of using S&M materials… hypotheticals are great right
Regarding your kinkyness, I wouldn’t say it’s a turn-off. My guess is I’m low on the kinkyness factor because I answered questions based on how I live my life now, not based off of what I’d like my sex life to be like once I find The One and get married. But yes, new things do freak me out. Not sure how I’d respond if my partner surprised me with some strange sex contraption and wanted to try it out right on the spot! But with anything, if I’m with a person I trust I would open up more. IT does take my awhile to trust someone with intimacy, but once they have it.. oh man, the chemistry can be quite explosive.
Which sounds like a perfectly nice and slightly flirty Christian girl’s response to me. Some parts, along with some of her responses to questions indicate to me that she’s not a virgin, (which I’m starting to think can’t be a dealbreaker, but that’s a whole other depressing post.) She clearly didn’t pick up on the language I used as being particularly informed on BDSM, and her response seems to reflect having the popular image of BDSM in her head, that it must always be rough, and include strange contraptions. So I decide to be a little more direct in my response
On the subject of my kinkyness, it’s more than having idealized some S&M materials or what have you. I’ve thought long and hard about how to explain it to someone who isn’t similarly inclined, I still don’t know how to be clear and succinct about it.
I think the underlying concept is that I want to be desired, and I want my sexuality to be not only accepted but celebrated. I really kink heavily on ownership and the the sensual aspects of D/s. I have some pretty heavy masochistic fantasies, but couldn’t engage in them without an active partner who derives pleasure from the exchange. I have had a little experience, not sexual, but enough to confirm for me that I do indeed like receiving painful stimulus. *guilty smile*
At this point I was interested in linking her to a tumblr post I’m particularly proud of, in which I give explaining my masochism a go but since my tumblr is full of porn, I didn’t think that would give her a favorable impression of me. I wanted to link every post I’ve ever written about how much D/s could mean to me, not just sexually but emotionally, romantically, explaining that I don’t need toys or acting or anything but me and my lover to make all of my wildest fantasies come true.
I went with something shorter, I didn’t want to seem nearly as obsessed as I am, or take away from the rest of our conversation, which was about apologetics, pop culture, city life, and job hunting.
She replied, opening with:
oh boy. You admitted that S&M is a turn-on for you I guess it weirds me out some because I don’t see how it fits in the whole “making love” scenario. I’m aware sex isn’t always gentle and smooth, but it still seems a bit extreme to me. I’m ok waiting to find out what my sexual fantasies will be As I’m not in a sexual relationship right now and I’m not planning to be in one until I get hitched, I don’t think about it too often. I’m a Schrodinger fan!
This seems, I don’t know, slightly naive, in that people don’t always mesh sexually just because they’re in love. I’m not entirely certain that she’s grasped that I’m the submissive one, or that I want to receive pain before this point.
I was concerned I might have freaked you out. I kind of feel like it’s important to think about this now, because well, sex is important, it’s a big part of life and I worry about falling for someone who finds my sexuality repulsive. As for it’s extremity well, there’s a lot I could say about it if it interests you, but otherwise I’ll just let it drop.
That’s my rebuttal really. I can’t afford not to think about this, knowing that what turns me on is not the “norm.” It’s a big part of who I am and it would not be realistic for me to expect that it’s going to be accepted and cherished. I think this is a vanilla privilege thing right? If you are hetero and primarily vanilla you can be fairly confident that your partners are going to be able to accommodate you at the very least.
I’m not interested in being merely accommodated, I want someone who wants me the way I am.
Now there rest of our conversation has been fairly promising, and should continue to be so, but if she isn’t at least a little excited about my kink, I don’t see it going anywhere serious.