I just got back from the gym, for the first time.

For those of you who haven’t been following along, my gym membership began on the twentieth, of last month.

I have this whole mental plan on how to be a better person for my future partner and I really believe that this hypothetical-future-domme deserves a boy with abs so firm she could grate cheese on them.

Clone High reference, anyone?

But, that hasn’t been quite enough to drag me out of bed before work, or keep me from collapsing into a heap after a long day. It would be so much easier if I were doing  this for someone more concrete. I’m reminded of an article I saw years ago about a fad of combination dominatrix/personal-trainers, I could almost go for that about now. Or even some mechanical pants that force me to go to the gym like wallace and gromit

I could have made a joke about "The Tuxedo" but nobody saw that.

I’m thinking that perhaps I could try to reward myself for going, and punish myself for not. I don’t know if I have the will power to go through with it, but maybe if I don’t go to the gym, then I don’t let myself uh- do something, that I might regularly enjoy.

The downside to that plan of course is that I might develop a Pavlovian response to putting on gym shorts, which could be embarrassing.

It wasn’t bad, in fact, as a practice date I think it went fairly well.

We met in a bookstore, I got there early, so did she, so she recognized me in the sci-fi section, which I found a tad embarrassing, which added to the slight nervousness I felt.

(Also, like I said, she recognized me, I wouldn’t have recognized her. So ladies, remember when you’re picking out profile pictures, that looking cute ought to be a lower priority than looking like yourself.)

It was supposed to be a lunch date, I was nervous and skipped breakfast, she apparently ate a huge breakfast, and so we just went to the bookstore cafe, where I had a mocha and coffee cake, and she had water. Which was weird I thought. 

Point of the story is, there was no chemistry, which is why I’m happy to have gotten this face to face out of the way sooner rather than later. I have doubts about how much chemistry one can be sure of online, and trust interpersonal interaction as a better medium by which to judge romantic potential.

Also she thinks people should be friends for an extended length of time before dating, which I really don’t have the patience for if there are sparks, if there aren’t sparks that seems like entirely too much effort to put into getting to know someone.

So, all in all I feel like my expectations have been appropriately lowered for this whole online dating thing, and I think having done this, I’ll find the process (which at times makes me feel like I’m “courting” more than one woman at the same time, which in turn makes me feel like a jerk) more comfortable, since it is abundantly clear that I may need to go through a lot of matches before I find someone with real potential.

Since I am trying to make my self as attractive as possible to women with dominant leanings, I have changed my language somewhat to cut out words that I have reason to believe might be found objectionable.

The first, and hardest word for me to eliminate is “girl.” specifically “girl” when referring to a female around my age. This is difficult for a few reasons. Mainly, I have a difficult time thinking of my peers as “men and women. ”  We’re not boys and girls anymore, but I’d naturally think of and or refer to my peers as “guys and girls.”

I gather that calling a grown woman a girl is considered demeaning, but there are fewer words for female person that spring to mind than there are for male person.

So I see a man my age, and I think of him as a guy, or a dude, or perhaps a bro. If I want to refer to a woman the same way, my first thought is girl. My next is to say “young woman” or “young lady” though both of those to my ear sound more diminutive.

All I want to do is indicate that whichever female person I’m talking about is around my age, and therefore not really a grown-up like those men and women over there with their careers and mortgages.

And besides I’m looking for a  girlfriend. Not a womanfriend or a ladyfriend. But anyway, I’ve seen people get all bent out of shape about it so I work around the issue.

Tits.

Not that it would come up in daily usage, but Tits is my favorite word for breasts. It’s fun to say, just try. Tits tits tits Titties TITS!

Unlike so many other terms for breasts, which tend to refer to a specific breast size, (melons, jugs, sweater puppies) tits is equal opportunity. just like yours truly.

There are tiny tits, and Big ole Titties, and both are just terrific as far as I am concerned. But, I’ve heard that it’s offensive, so when it comes up in conversation, I say breasts. because that’s polite. (I guess.)

Finally, I want so badly to be British.

Alas, I was born in the land of freedom and opportunity, which is why I couldn’t use this last word even if wasn’t worried about offending women. If I were cool and British, I could throw it around with flippancy. I would use this most crass and vulgar term, with light hearted affection, because everything sounds classy as shit when you’re British.

It's less offensive to call someone a fusking pimhole than a...

That’s all I’ve got at the moment, I guess I’ll see you next Tuesday.

]]> http://submissiveinseattle.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/words-i-am-avoiding/feed/ 7 captnperoxide Prince-George-blackadder-1201217_500_339 http://submissiveinseattle.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/explaining-m-desire-to-be-owned/ http://submissiveinseattle.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/explaining-m-desire-to-be-owned/#comments Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:06:29 +0000 Peroxide http://submissiveinseattle.wordpress.com/?p=272 ]]> You know what I kink on harder than pegging, or spanking, or biting, or gingers?

You want to click on that biting link.

Ownership, and symbols of ownership.

It’s hard to explain, My masochism seems to me a relatively innocuous kink compared to the desire to have someone else control my autonomy. Which is why I found it easier to explain my desire for sensual torments, than it is for me to explain this.

According to OKCupid’s robots I am Less-Independent than most men of my age. This isn’t a terrible shock to me, or a bitter disappointment, I know that I have a co-dependent personality, and I’m cool with that, I would much prefer to be in a relationship than not. That doesn’t mean I don’t function when I’m not in a relationship.

Independence is often equated with self sufficiency (which has got to be one of the major attributes that go in the man-box.) By being open about my desire to have to give away my independence, not simply by marrying my life to someone else’s, (which is apparently a non-masculine desire in and of itself) but also to relinquish my (presumed) authority within that union, I am throwing up a signal that something is seriously wrong with me.

After all, everyone from William Wallace to George Micheal wants freedom, how fucked up is it, that I want the opposite?

Pictured: William Wallace.

Do you ever watch Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton? Towards the end of the program he runs through a list of questions, one of which is “what turns you on?” When I say that submission turns me on, that being owned turns me on, I want you to think of it that way. I’m not talking about a mere physiological reaction here. It feels to me as if everything inside me reacts to the idea, that my lover should have total authority over me. There is a deep yearning that cries out whenever I give it a thought.

Would you say that your very soul cries out for the nurturing touch of a loving owner?

It is a piece of irony it think, that the best way I can describe what it is I think I would get out of being enslaved, is freedom. But lately I am realizing that I have fairly strongly internalized some unhelpful messages about how relationships work.

Listen, I’m not stupid. I know that not everything I saw on TV (or, if we’re going to be brutally honest, observed in my parents marriage) is true. Still I am left with the impression, conscious, subconscious or otherwise that marriage was always going to be about doing what she wants, or making up for having done what you wanted. Also, that women are rarely honest about what it is that that they want.

This is not how I want to spend my romantic future

I think, those ideas, harmful as they are, influenced my my long running ideas about how I was going to be as a boyfriend and husband someday.     (They are by no means the only reasons, I genuinely enjoy making people happy, especially people I care about.) Sometime I feel that giving over my authority to my wife would free me from those (admittedly irrational) fears.

that I may be disappointing her. The fear that there is something she wants from me, that I haven’t figured out. It would give me a clear line of objectives,  knowing that if I do what I’m told, she will be pleased. That sounds so amazingly freeing, that just conceptualizing it makes me feel good.

That’s not all, (which is good, because I don’t think those reasons sound like good reasons.)

The other biggie when it comes to my desire to be owned, is that possessions are valuable. You have them because you want them. I want so badly  to be my wife’s favorite toy. I want her to always want to play with me, and I want her to be able to do whatever she wants to me, when ever she wants. I see all over the place articles about women who aren’t doing something they want, because they are afraid that their partner will not be open to it. Women who aren’t being satisfied and their partner is not willing to work on it. I don’t ever want to be that guy,

I feel like it’s going to sound like my attraction to ownership as a kink is derived solely from fears and insecurities. I don’t think that is the case, but these things leap out at me as reasons why I want what I want.

There are other things that leap out as well.

Collars turn me on in the same (more than just a sexual thing) way. All sorts of little things about collaring make me feel good to think about. While your first thought might be about a tight leather play collar like the one pictured above, what I most often imagine is a simple cord, locked in place that I could wear, always.

Honestly I feel silly and overly sentimental in my desire  for what is essentially a love token. I suppose its because guys aren’t supposed to want these sorts of things. But to picture my self on my knees as my Domme locks her collar into place, and tells me that she owns me.. I don’t have words for the longing that brings out in me.

There are other, related fantasies, such as being leashed in public. I really don’t want anything to do with public play, I don’t want my good times to make others uncomfortable. Still, I have a hard time imagining anything more sublime than being led through a crowd by the leash around my neck.

Well, now I’m kinda at the end, I was hoping when I set out that I’d have a clear rational explanation for why it isn’t weird to want what I want. So many things I write here pretty much count as practice for when/if I need to explain this to a vanilla girlfriend. In person I’m a confident, exuberant individual, why can’t I be that way about my kinks?

I mentioned the other day that I signed up for OKcupid. I’m still sort of apprehensive about it, I think I probably should have waited to take a stab at this, until I was a little more satisfied in a few other areas. But one thing I do like to do is talk about myself (hence the blog) and answer questions. That’s How OkCupid’s matching program seems to run, by asking you tons of questions. So far I’ve answered 188, and I think they might have a pretty decent framework of who I am. (I’m less confident about peoples ability to interpret the information accurately, but that’s another matter.)

One thing that I thought of after seeing this, is how men, particularly submissive men, are told so often that we’re not a hot commodity. It’s hard to imagine that someone is ever going to value you if you believe you’re a dime a dozen. But looking at a graph like this makes me realize that I stand out. I am different that the majority of guys my age, for  a woman who wants nice Christian boy, (who is submissive and kinkier than a garden hose) I’m one of a kind.

Also a I’m cute as whip, and that don’t hurt either.

Or rather, I had a plan, for the next five months. I was going to hit the Gym, find a new job, and then shop around for the best way to start actively seeking a partner.

I signed up for OKcupid the other day.

So far, I’m not sure how I feel about it. In general I’ve never liked the idea of online dating, it’s so unromantic, to have a computer find you a partner. Still I’m looking for something so particular that I need some help.

I don’t know if I will have better luck finding someone who fits with me on all the levels I need, by looking for compatible women in “vanilla” spaces and hope they’re open to being dominant (more than open) or by looking for compatibility in BDSM oriented spaces, trying to find a domme, who shares my values.

When it comes to setting up a profile, I don’t know how much of this information to lead with. If I mention the Christian thing, am I going to lose all the kinky ladies, cause I sound too uptight? If I mention my kinks am I going to freak out the Christian girls, cause I sound like a perve?

Meanwhile neither of those things addresses the rest of who I am and what I’m into, even though they’re an important part of the framework of who I am, There are so many other facets to my personality.

Dominance is important in a significant other, because it turns me on, not just sexually, but emotionally I am comforted by the idea of having someone to make certain decisions.

But, If I’m going to hand over control of my life to someone, it’s super important that she is a Christian, and is going to lead me (am I really about to say this?)  along the path of righteousness.

Even if I find those two things, I still want more. (greedy bugger aren’t I?) I want a smart, funny, hyper-literate, verbose, empathetic, sarcastic, pop-culture junkie with goals, and motivation. (with finger nails that shine like justice, and a voice that is dark, like tinted glass.)

Anyway, advice on the Okcupid sitch, anyone? What do you think I should lead with?

Being without my computer for the better part of a week sucked , cause there were a ton of cool things I wanted to comment on. But, also because I have this burning confession to make.

I can not lie, I like big butts.

Not just butts, but, also bodacious breasts. I like pale skin, freckles, red hair, luscious lips, and though, I never used to look at legs until I saw lethal weapon 2, but you can add those as well. My point is I’m not exactly Captain Body-Positive saying “everyone is beautiful.” Still, around my house I feel like I am obligated to be the voice of body positivism, or whatever you call it.

Often when watching television one of my roommates will remark on the appearance of a woman on TV. Sometimes going so far as to say “Gross,” I’m not talking about some meth head hooker getting arrested for selling 6 dollar blowjobs on cops.

(Which, while I’m on the subject, How bad do you have to be at masturbating when before that sounds like a good deal?)

I’m talking about women in commercials or minor characters on shows. None of these people look gross, it’s ridiculous, everyone on TV is fucking gorgeous. What the hell are you talking about?

For example, there guys are supposedly nerds

Now there are plenty of women out there that I’m told are supposed to be wicked hot, one who make top 100 most sexiest sexy ladies lists, and I just don’t care, they just don’t do that much for me, but I’m not about to say that they are gross.

On the other hand, whilst watching The Bachelor, (ugh) the other day with the rest of my household and their girlfriends. (remember I didn’t have a laptop, and my XBox is on the fritz too) I did say that Courtney’s eyebrows would be a deal breaker for me, even if she wasn’t a despicable human being.

Did she over do it with the tweezers or something?

I do judge, I’m not perfect by any means, but Sometimes I feel like I’m not as visually oriented as “I’m supposed to be.”

Examples: I could go with the fact that I fell hard for a girl none of the other guys thought was attractive, but I’m tired of talking about a long dead relationship. So, new story.

Before I moved to Seattle I worked at this drive-thru coffee joint. I took a job working the graveyard shift. The first fifteen minutes of my shift, plus the five-ten minutes I get there early I spent with whoever worked swing shift. Most often, it was one of two ladies, who we’re going to call Sweet Dee and Artemis

Sweet Dee was tall and skinny, covered in tattoos and generally looked not unlike a Suicide girls model (only wearing, you know, clothes.) Artemis was short, stocky and had an inexplicable tendency to wear shirts that were too short, exposing her, uh, plentiful, midrift.

Now maybe it’s because its because I’ve been single for so very, very long, or maybe I just have an over active imagination, but often when getting to know a woman, even if I’m not interested in her, I think about the possibility of a relationship and what it would look like.

Sweet Dee was easier to talk to early on, we had some common interests, and maybe I am less than demanding that someone be interesting, when they’re attractive. However, as time went on, I noticed that Artemis was better at her job, like so much better, that I started to dread Sweet Dee’s Days.

Plus, Artemis and I read some of the same books, and she was just better at conversation. After a while, I started to think occasionally what it would be like to date her.

Any way… long story short, If I had to say, hook up, with either of my former co-workers, I’d go with Artemis, even though physically, she isn’t my type at all.

From what I gather, this is unusual for a guy.

Which is bizarre to me, for example, if Sir Mixalot met his absolute soul mate, someone who was right for him in every single way, except she had a tiny pancake ass, would his anaconda still want nothing to do with it?

It first clicked for me that I was submissive, and that I wanted a dominant about a year ago. All my various lifelong fantasies and inclination lined  up like an arrow pointing me straight at a lifestyle just out of reach. Good thing too, that I couldn’t just dive in, because when it hit me, it hit me hard.

Fitting that it sounds like a combo from Mortal Kombat, because I can definitely say Sub-frenzy packs a punch.

For weeks after my realization, I thought about being dominated constantly. Literally constantly, (I hate the pervasive misuse of the the word literally, so when I say it, know that I mean it.)

I would close my eyes and almost, almost be able to feel the lash.

Going about my day, I might have my breath catch in my throat as I inadvertently imagined someone who loved me, locking my collar into place.

I don’t remember being so single minded about anything else in my entire life.

Except maybe, age of empires when I was nine, and I got the game for my birthday, but we didn't get a computer that could run it for like six months.

Now, I’m not gonna say that freshly minted submissiveness need someone to look out for them because they’re like baby deer, barely able to walk, let alone fend for themselves. I handled it, I’m still doing fine.

…But, there were days when I didn’t care if it was a mistake, or that I’d do something I’d later regret, I just wanted, (want) so badly to be dominated. I could go on and on about the desire to be under a woman’s control, but I don’t want you to get the idea I’m obsessed or something.

One of the reasons I was able to avoid making any potentially regrettable mistakes, is I’ve already made enough that I know when I’m likely to make another.

My first kiss, for example, happened when I was thirteen. I didn’t yet have the intense acne that would be my bane during highschool, I did have Green hair styled into a Faux-hawk. I was at a youth rally with my middle school youth group.

The words youth rally to me, sound vaguely sinister, so let me explain, that we bused from Bellingham down to Seattle to some convention center for the afternoon, where one side of the building was live Christian Rock music and the other side was inflatable bouncy castles and things of that nature.

What this had to do with Jesus I can't remember.

I met, Sarah, I think that was her name, she liked my green hair and I liked hanging out with girls more than Christian rock or bouncy castles. I remember that I spent most of the day with her and her friend and when it was time to pack up and go her friend said “aren’t you going to kiss goodbye?” So we did, parted lips, no tongue, her breath was less than magical.

She wrote her number on the back of my hand, but I was worried my mom would see it and I smudged it away.

My relationship with K, snatched up more than it’s share of my other firsts. No need to go into it again, but I’m not happy that there are things that I will do with my wife someday that I’ll be able to compare against memories of the girl who kicked my heart in the ass.

I’m being perhaps overly cautious when it comes to my exploration of D/s. Still though, I can keenly feel the desire to just lose myself in it straining against my will. That’s on top of the already considerable sexual appetite I’m already, holding back. I don’t want my future firsts to turn out like my old ones, either huge disappointments, or attached to unhappy memories.

I have days, (like today) where everything puts me in mind of BDSM. I can’t even watch TV with my roommates without slipping into a kinky reverie in my mind. The bad guy on the new procedural we were watching was talking about strangling his first victim and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted to try that -Uh, being strangled – er choked, not murdering someone.

It would be so easy to blow this too, I want it so bad. Except, there is something I want more: I want the first woman I kneel for, to also be the last.

“I have very strong Christian beliefs, and personally I have always said when I accepted the Lord, I became more tolerant of others. I stopped judging people and try to live by the Golden Rule. This is part of my decision. I do not believe it is my role to judge others, regardless of my personal beliefs. It’s not always easy to do that. For me personally, I have always believed in traditional marriage between a man and a woman. That is what I believe, to this day.

“But this issue isn’t about just what I believe. It’s about respecting others, including people who may believe differently than I. It’s about whether everyone has the same opportunities for love and companionship and family and security that I have enjoyed.
“For as long as I have been alive, living in my country has been about having the freedom to live according to our own personal and religious beliefs, and having people respect that freedom.

…

“I know this announcement makes me the so-called 25th vote, the vote that ensures passage. That’s neither here nor there. If I were the first or the seventh or the 28th vote, my position would not be any different. I happen to be the 25th because I insisted on taking this much time to hear from my constituents and to sort it out for myself, to reconcile my religious beliefs with my beliefs as an American, as a legislator, and as a wife and mother who cannot deny to others the joys and benefits I enjoy.

 

I can’t say that it doesn’t make me nervous to see the values of my country change, but I am proud that we are embracing freedom and equality for all people.

Still this is probably a win for me, because as people become more accustom to alternative lifestyles, BDSM will hopefully gain a measure of acceptance. If you’re OK with two fellas getting hitched, you can’t really mind that my wife is the boss, and she hits me when I’m bad, or when I’m good, or when I look especially tempting.